Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.