Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
2023 was just a warmup
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.