Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.