Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.