Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Holy shit he’s back
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.