Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Pot warmers of the day.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
The sacred texts.