Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Message from the dog groomers

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.