Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Already got one
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?