Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector