Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.