Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
That’s enough internet for the day
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.