Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free