Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Quadruple digit IQ
notice
Proctology is located in A55
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Bringing home a sharpie
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.