Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
