Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

My boss called in sick of me

Now, where’s the sport in that?

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich