Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
You Might Also Like
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.