Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
smartest karate player in the world
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.