Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

This squirrel eats better than I do

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year