Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.