Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.