Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

My love language is deader than Latin

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.