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Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”