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WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?