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[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Monday Lisa
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Wait a minute
