do horses think humans are hats
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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.