do horses think humans are hats
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Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Cinematography is my passion
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit