do horses think humans are hats
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Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.