Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine