Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?