Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Is this anything
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.