Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.![]()
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
#SaturdayBears
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.