Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that