Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.
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When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces