Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

🐥🐣

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird