Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie