Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”