70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.