Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted