Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.