Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit