Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.