Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.