Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genius.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.