Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*