Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.