Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

i love meeting boys on tinder

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.