Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
10/10 no notes
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.