I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan