Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 馃檮
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
i don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
When I鈥檓 feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I鈥檓 16 again
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: I don鈥檛 want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let鈥檚 put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she鈥檚 actually wearing makeup.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don鈥檛 know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
the zen of frog
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
馃檶馃徎馃槀馃槀馃槶馃ぃ
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Sometimes I swear I鈥檓 reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it鈥檚 a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.