do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”