Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

we all know this pain all too well

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

When you put it that way… 😂

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports