Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..