Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Just ordered me some pizza!

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

…

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good