Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.