Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions