Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The booster protects against what, now?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK