Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
i hope my email finds you on fire
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
dads on road-trips be like
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.