Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Never be a pizza!