Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
#math
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I didn’t know they can drive…
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money