Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
No. He’s not coming out to play
