Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
When can I start eating bats again.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.