Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

middle school in the ’90s

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??