Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.