Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?