Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.