Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers