Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

In banana years, I am bread.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.