Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.