Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”