Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.