Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

A French press is when you hug naked

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

christening a ship with an overripe banana

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

peeping toms