Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All food is good if you spell it wrong

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

😆

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain