Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
making sure he doesnt get away
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked