Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
concern
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.