Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Hard not to take this personally

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.