Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I hate everything
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.