Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Siri: Retweet me.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.