“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.